Communication
Part of owning our power is learning to communicate clearly, directly, and assertively. We don't have to beat around the bush in our conversations to control the reactions of others. Guilt-producing comments only produce guilt. We don't have to fix or take care of people with our words; we can't expect others to take care of us with words either. We can settle for being heard and accepted. And we can respectfully listen to what others have to say.
Hinting at what we need doesn't work. Others can't read our mind, and they're likely to resent our indirectness. The best way to take responsibility for what we want is to ask for it directly. And, we can insist on directness from others. If we need to say no to a particular request, we can. If someone is trying to control us through a conversation, we can refuse to participate.
Acknowledging feelings such as disappointment or anger directly, instead of making others guess at our feelings or having our feelings come out in other ways, is part of responsible communication. If we don't know what we want to say, we can say that too.
We can ask for information and use words to forge a closer connection, but we don't have to take people around the block with our conversations. We don't have to listen to, or participate in, nonsense. We can say what we want and stop when we're done.
Today, I will communicate clearly and directly in my conversations with others. I will strive to avoid manipulative, indirect, or guilt producing statements. I can be tactful and gentle whenever possible. And I can be assertive if necessary.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
MY MIND & HEART THOUGHTS
It is interesting that communicating what we want and need is so hard. Is that because we were taught to think of others before ourselves? I know I don’t have a hard time communicating when I have unsolicited advice to give or when I notice something that my partner hasn’t done the way I would. I also am good at saying Thank you probably because at times in my life my role as wife and mother was taken for granted and not appreciated. I am learning how to communicate that I love someone other than just saying it. I make sure that I mean it when I say it. My oldest would say it with teenage attitude so I knew they didn’t mean it.
There have been times where I have been trying to communicate something and the person I am talking to isn’t understanding me. Previously when this would happen I would just give up and walk away. I would get completely overwhelmed with frustration. I am working at finding the words that they understand to explain what I mean.
I am also working at communicating with actions in a way that the person on the receiving end needs not what I want to do. We are all so very different and this makes communication a bit tricky. I am realizing how important it is to spend the time figuring out how to communicate in each relationship.
Asking clarifying questions is important if we don’t understand. I have had quite a bit of practice at this while being here around my family members.
My Dad had a bit of attitude yesterday. I’d ask him if he remembered doing something the day before and he said grumpily, “Of course, I do.” I enjoy it best when I just get to sit and relax while being with him all day. He had several visitors yesterday and I had to share him.
I am struggling when it comes to if I stay or return to my life. He says he enjoys having me around and I enjoy being here for the most part. He said something funny to my brother yesterday. He looked up to a picture on the wall and said, “Why is there a picture of Vicki’s parents on the wall?” It would be easier to go if I knew he was being looked after by caring & loving staff. That isn’t the case with some of the staff. I am just not a fan of this place. I can see why he doesn’t like it here. I know though he wouldn’t be happier in a different place even if the staff was more caring and considerate. I wish it was possible to take him home and for him to receive the care he needs there.
It has been so very eye opening to me. I want to make sure that I make plans and preparations for mine & my husband’s future. I’m so thankful that he is on the same page with regards to that. We never know what life is going to be like from one day to the next. I know he never expected to be where he is; unable to walk on his own, unable to dress himself and no longer able to be artistic.
Speaking of being artistic, that didn’t happen in any form yesterday. I need to do a better job and being prepared when my brother or mom come to visit. Sometimes I have errands to run, but other times I have nothing to do. It is challenging to not have a comfortable place to be when I am not here.
I understand how some of the items are 10 years old, but I don’t understand how they got to be older than me. Once something is inedible, wouldn’t you just throw it away. I understand that there was a time where food was scarce, but would you really eat something that could possibly make you very sick? Things that make you go hmmm.